


Starring Role

by Electra_XT



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), F/M, First Time, Light Dom/sub, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Sex Tapes, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:07:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23538850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electra_XT/pseuds/Electra_XT
Summary: “And then there’s this,” Luther said, picking up a VHS tape from the box.Diego swiped it from him.“Diego—”“I’m analyzing it,” Diego said. He flipped it over. On the label was written in neat cursive,Number 5 - Test 1.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/The Handler (Umbrella Academy)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 301





	Starring Role

**Author's Note:**

> Tentatively dedicated to the anon on Tumblr who asked for “more Five/Diego UST first times? Possibly kinkier, too?” I feel like this is about… 75% that.
> 
> Content warning for the Handler being creepy: in the sex tape, Five does consent to everything they’re doing, but if you’re sensitive to unequal power dynamics during sex, heads up.
> 
> As always, Five’s in his early twenties.

When Five warped into the atrium, Klaus had one leg draped over the back of the sofa and one leg extended along the length of it, bare toes flexing in Diego’s lap. He was knitting— or rather, reckoning with two overly long needles and a ball of radioactive green yarn.

“I don’t know,” he was saying, looking up at Diego. “I don’t think that’s that crazy.”

“Seriously?” Diego said. He looked up at Five as he came in. “Hey, man.”

“You’re acting like it’s kinkier than it really is,” Klaus said.

Five paused.

“I’m not saying it’s kinky,” Diego said. “I’m saying, you don’t get to call yourself the family slut when I’m the one who once ate a girl out right before going into the ring for a fight.”

“Yeah, that’s not as slutty as you think it is, either,” Klaus said.

Diego shot him a deeply skeptical look. “So what counts as slutty to you?”

Five went over to the armchair, saying nothing. He picked up a newspaper from the side table and sat down, unfurling it out in front of himself.

“I mean, I once did body shots off a weird surfer dude so I could get free scuba diving lessons,” Klaus said.

“Did it work?” Diego said.

Klaus raised his eyebrows. “The body shots, or the scuba lessons?”

Diego frowned. “The body shots. What were the scuba lessons supposed to do?”

“Get me so deep underwater I couldn’t hear the ghosts,” Klaus said. “Which failed, by the way. But I got the lessons. And the surfer dude’s ass ended up tasting—”

Five made a despairing sound behind his newspaper.

“And I do not need to know any more details,” Diego said, cutting him off.

“Excellent,” Klaus said cheerfully. “So you agree I’m the sluttiest one in the family now?”

Diego shrugged. 

“Oh, come on, asshole,” Klaus said, turning around on the sofa to sit cross-legged, facing him. “If you had to tap out at the delicious details, then it’s definitely sluttier than you can handle.”

“That’s not true,” Diego said.

“You can’t just say it’s not true because it’s not true,” Klaus said.

Diego pointed at him. “Ah-ah, you just said it wasn’t true.”

“No, I didn’t say it wasn’t true, I said you can’t say it’s not true when it’s true because you said it wasn’t true when it actually was,” Klaus said. “Agh! You’re confusing me!” He threw his yarn at Diego.

Diego caught it one-handed. “I once had a threesome with my landlord’s son and his wife.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Klaus said, holding his hands out in a T. “With your landlord’s son and your landlord’s wife? I mean, I know we condone incest around here, but that’s a little—”

“No, perv,” Diego said. “The son and the son’s wife.”

“How did _that_ happen?” Klaus said, enchanted.

“He was hanging around the gym one day,” Diego said. “He was pretty cute, so I said hey. And he was kinda checking me out while I was working on the bag—”

“Because your body is fine as hell and he probably saw your nipple ring,” Klaus said, nodding.

Something flickered in the corner of Diego’s eye. Diego turned quickly, just in time to catch Five shaking his newspaper back out again.

Interesting.

“He started flirting back, but he was all shy,” Diego said. “Biting his lip, being cute about it. I thought I was going to have to take the lead, but then he looked up at me and asked if I’d be down to sleep with him and his wife.”

“ _Hello_ ,” Klaus said.

Diego spread his hands. “And the rest is history.”

“Lame,” Klaus said. “You’re not even going to tell me the ending of the story.”

Diego looked back at him. “I was bored and 22 and single and I didn’t have anything to lose. What do you think happened?”

“Aw, that’s cute,” Klaus said. 

“You don’t sound impressed,” Diego said.”

Klaus lifted his shoulders. “Honestly? No. I expected the story to be… spicier.”

“You really wanna hear about it?” Diego said. He glanced over at Five in the armchair. “Fine. He and I made out, she sucked both of our dicks, and then we both fucked her at the same time.”

Five let out a long sigh.

Klaus clapped. “Double penetration, Diego. Score.”

“Does that count as slutty for you now?” Diego said, smirking.

“It depends which hole you were in,” Klaus said thoughtfully.

“Really?” Diego said. “Does it really depend on that?”

“You’re both inane,” Five said, setting down his newspaper and folding it crisply.

Diego snorted. “Prude.”

“I’d rather be a prude than a complete whore,” Five said.

“How are we inane?” Klaus said. “We’re just bros being bros. Sharing stories of—”

“Of impromptu threesomes with double penetration and slutting yourselves out for scuba lessons,” Five said. “So… yes, you two are the inane ones.”

Diego kicked his feet up on the coffee table, sliding a knife out of his harness and beginning to buff his fingernails on it. “Does it bother you?”

“I think it’s mind-numbingly tedious,” Five said.

“Out of all of us, Five is the least likely to be the family slut,” Diego said. “That’s a non-starter.”

Five smiled a little.

“Oh, come on,” Klaus said. “We all know why you’ve got such a stick up your ass about it, Five.”

Diego looked up.

“Do we?” Five said dryly. He settled back in his chair, folding one leg neatly over the other. “Pray tell.”

“Because you’re a virgin!” Klaus said.

Diego paused.

Five’s face was very, very bland. His expression was as elegant as it ever was, neutral and pleasant— which was the Five equivalent of seeing an empty car on a packed subway train.

“Am I?” Five said. “That’s news to me.”

“It’s okay to be a virgin,” Diego said. “No one’s gonna— fault you on it.”

“Diego,” Five said, amused. His lips were curving up now. Had Five always had such pouty lips? “What did I just say?”

“You just said you were—” Klaus leaned back on the sofa, arranging his legs so he was sitting like Five. He affected a British accent and said in an unconvincing sing-song, “ _totally_ not a virgin.”

“Why am I fucking British?” Five said.

“The James Bond vibes,” Klaus said. He gestured at Five’s suit. “I bet you’ve got a gun hidden somewhere in that sexy little jacket.”

Five lit up, very pleased. “You’re back in my good graces.”

Diego made a noise of protest. “What am I then, huh?”

Five looked over, dimpling up at him. “Not.”

“Until I tell you you look like James Bond?” Diego said, raising his eyebrows.

“No, Klaus already took Bond,” Five said. “You’ll have to come up with a better compliment.”

Diego raised his eyebrows. “I’ve had about enough—”

“Hey,” Luther said, appearing in the doorway. “What are you guys up to?”

“Talking about how our brother Five is a repressed little virgin,” Diego said.

“Talking about how our brother Five is a suave sexy spy,” Klaus said.

“Talking about how Klaus is a better brother than Diego,” Five said.

“Oh,” Luther said. He paused, taking this in. “So you’re not talking about the mission?”

Klaus and Diego made indignant noises at the same time.

“Whoa, whoa,” Diego said, leaning forward. “The mission?”

“Yeah, asshole,” Klaus said. He wagged his finger at Five. “You’re losing your Bond cred, how’s that?”

“Five,” Allison said, emerging in the doorway next to Luther. “You didn’t tell them about the—?”

Five sighed loudly. “I need you all to help me with a mission. It’s important and it involves the Commission. I want you all to come assist me with a break-in.”

“Why didn’t you lead with that?” Diego said.

Five raised his eyebrows, innocent. “Because your conversation with Klaus seemed so _important._ ”

That face. That posture.

“You think you’re cute, huh?” Diego said.

Five dimpled up at him.

Diego looked away. It was dangerous to look at Five for too long, and even more dangerous to let him see him smile.

“This is the best family reunion ever,” Klaus said, clapping his hands together.

They were all sprawled out in the atrium now. Every surface was covered in papers and maps. Apparently this was how responsible heists were done— with planning, and coordination, and check-ins and logistics and meeting points and so much fucking math.

It wasn’t Diego’s fault if none of them picked up his idea of jumping through a window.

Allison moved some papers off her face, blinking one irate eye at Klaus.

“No no, it really is!” Klaus said. “It’s involuntary—”

“I’m happy to be here,” Luther said.

“Ruthlessly utilitarian,” Klaus continued—

“We’re all having dinner together tonight, that’s not utilitarian,” Allison protested, even as she set down an enormous file of background information.

“— and Diego and Five are squabbling like toddlers,” Klaus finished, swinging his skinny legs over the arm of his chair.

“Motherfucker doesn’t understand that when a couch is occupied, it’s occupied,” Diego said, shoving his boot-clad toes into Five’s thigh.

“Imbecile doesn’t understand that he can’t take up the entirety of the good couch,” Five said, warping six inches so he was sitting directly on Diego’s shins.

Diego kicked. “Careful where you put your twink ass.”

“Oh, well,” Five said. “If I’m just a twink, I shouldn’t be too heavy for you.”

Luther cleared his throat. “We’re leaving for the mission soon, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Five said. “Allison, Klaus, you’ll sweep the main area, and then there are some other small jobs— her office, et cetera. And I’ll do what I need to do.”

“Diego _likes_ twinks,” Klaus said.

Five looked at Diego. Diego gave Klaus a flat look, deeply unimpressed. Five’s lips lifted at the corners, and then he stretched, leaning back on Diego’s legs, letting a little more of his weight rest on him—

Luther cleared his throat. “Roll out?”

“Roll out,” Five said, warping off Diego.

Diego felt disarmingly light. His heart was slamming in his chest. He stood, blinking, trying to orient himself.

“You good, bro?” Klaus said.

“Yeah,” Diego said. He hooked his thumbs in his belt loops, looking up. “Roll out.”

“I’ve assigned myself the task of your briefing,” Five said, warping into the passenger seat of Diego’s car.

“Jesus,” Diego said, trying not to look like he’d had a heart attack. He looked over at Five. “Why couldn’t you have briefed me back at the house?”

“Because you’re easily distractible,” Five said. “I thought you’d make a much better captive audience.”

“Cree-py,” Diego said.

Five looked annoyingly right in the seat of his car. If Diego hadn’t been driving, he’d have been tempted to let his eyes linger on Five’s insouciant position, reclining in the seat with ease.

“Yes, yes,” Five said. “I know you’d rather be anywhere else. Or turning up the radio by yourself and singing along.”

“Do I seem like someone who would sing along with the radio?” Diego said.

“Yes,” Five said. “It’s cute.”

“Fuck off,” Diego said. He glanced at him. “Put on your seatbelt, by the way.”

Five reached up for the buckle. “The point is, I have you here.”

“Exactly where I want to be,” Diego said. “Trapped in a car with your twink ass.”

“You refer to my _twink ass_ a disturbing amount,” Five said.

“It’s an expression,” Diego said, face going hot. “I don’t mean your literal ass. It stands for the rest of you.”

“Ah,” Five said, smirking. “Synecdoche. Or is it metonymy? I can’t remember.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about anymore,” Diego said, looking out at the road.

“It’s definitely synecdoche, I think,” Five said, settling back in his seat. He propped his feet up on the dashboard. “Not my fault if you were so busy with your quest to be the family slut that you never the finer points of literature.”

Diego reached over and swatted at him across the console. “Off. You’re worse than Klaus.”

“How does my twink ass compare to Klaus’s?” Five said idly.

Diego’s mouth went dry.

Five looked up. His smirk was sharp. “It’s okay. I understand it’s just a figure of speech.”

“You make me age,” Diego said. “Every half hour I spend with you, I find another gray hair.”

“I haven’t aged in years,” Five said.

Diego glanced at him. “What, are you a vampire?”

Five scoffed. “If I were a vampire, would you see me out in the sunlight? You think I’d risk sparkling?”

“What?” Diego said.

“What?” Five said.

Diego squinted over at him.

Five coughed. “The point is, I’m not a vampire.”

“You’ve denied that twice now,” Diego said. “Makes a person think.”

“Oh, please,” Five said. “Anyway. I don’t look 58, do I?”

“I’m not gonna take the bait when you fish for compliments,” Diego said.

“I believe I’m entitled to a couple compliments after my haunting decades in the—”

“You are so full of shit,” Diego said. “You just want me to tell you you’re pretty.”

Five smiled.

It would have been insufferable, except Five _was_ pretty. His face was gorgeous, all high cheekbones and dark features and floppy soft hair, and his body… Klaus hadn’t been wrong about Diego’s proclivities. Five was slender and lean and perfect, and Diego’s eyes were drawn to him like magnets.

Diego cleared his throat. “You don’t look 58.”

“I know,” Five said. He looked down at his hands. “I negotiated down. They wanted to only bump me down to forty, but I figured I might as well take the opportunity to relive more of my prime, hm?”

“Hold up,” Diego said. “They?”

“She, actually,” Five said.

“Who’s she?” Diego said.

Five looked out the window.

“Five,” Diego said. “You can’t just say that and make me pretend I didn’t hear it.”

“She’s the head of the Commission,” Five said. “She was, rather.”

“What happened to her?” Diego said.

“Assassinated.”

Five’s voice was matter-of-fact. It sent a cold shiver down Diego’s spine.

“So she was the top dog?” he said.

“Of everything,” Five said. “Every space, every time, in every direction. She was all-seeing, all-knowing, and had a great eye for interior design.”

“Sounds like quite a lady.”

Five smiled a little, looking out the window. “I was her only equal.”

“Hard to picture a woman like that would stand to have an equal,” Diego said.

“You’d be surprised,” Five said. His voice was amused, like Diego had tapped into a private joke. 

Diego glanced over. “What?”

“She took quite a fondness to me,” Five said. “I think I was the only person who ever said no to her. She was fascinated. She wanted to eat me alive, swallow me whole— or take me apart and see if she could put me back together.”

Diego’s hand flexed on the steering wheel. “And you let her?”

“You have only a corner of the full picture and you’re predisposed to being protective when your siblings take risks,” Five said. He reached over and patted Diego’s hand. “It’s sweet. But I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“Try me,” Diego said. His skin felt hot where Five had touched him.

“I don’t think I will.”

“This is why nobody likes you,” Diego said.

“Pity,” Five said. “Would you be more inclined to like me if I told you her secret outpost was where we’re going right now?”

“I thought you destroyed that,” Diego said.

“I destroyed HQ,” Five said. “But the Handler was too smart to keep all her eggs in one basket.”

“The Handler,” Diego repeated. “She have a name?”

“Not everyone needs names,” Five said.

Diego laughed despite himself. “Smartass. You’re really taking us there?”

“I’ve destroyed several of the Commission hideouts,” Five said. “But I thought the rest of you deserved a chance at this one.”

Diego looked over. “Does that mean you figured it was too risky to do alone?”

There was a tiny silence.

“I’ll let you search her office,” Five said.

“Sure, sweetheart,” Diego said, smiling. “I’m surprised you aren’t claiming that for yourself.”

“The control room is where all the important information is,” Five said. “I’m not actually giving you anything interesting.”

“If you say so,” Diego said. He looked out the windshield. “Personally, I’m looking forward to poking around in the possessions of your only equal.”

“You really don’t have to be here,” Diego said, shouldering Luther away from him as they headed down the hallway. “Five assigned the office to me.”

“It’s not good practice to let anyone go in alone,” Luther said. He shouldered Diego back. “Can’t you get along with the rest of us for once?”

“I am not trying to be contrarian,” Diego said. He turned, walking backwards so he could face Luther. “I’m saying Five gave me the assignment.”

“Five told me to go with you,” Luther said.

Diego huffed.

“What’s with the two of you, anyway?” Luther said.

Diego looked up. “What?”

“Ever since we all gathered back together, you’ve been— pulling each other’s pigtails,” Luther said.

“Excuse me?” Diego said, grinning.

“It’s a figure of speech,” Luther said.

Diego blinked.

“It’s always something with the two of you,” Luther said. “You’re fighting over the couch, or you’re bugging him about the food he eats—”

“If he drinks that much coffee, he’s going to burn a hole through his stomach,” Diego said, still walking backwards.

“And you’re always looking at him,” Luther said.

Diego tripped over his feet.

Luther couldn’t know. Could he? Even Diego didn’t like to think about the way Five always snagged his gaze, making him double back and eye him a little longer. There was something about that lithe body, that self-assured air, those idiosyncrasies that he defended to the death. Five was captivating.

It was bad enough that Diego himself knew what it meant. He didn’t need anyone else catching on.

“Are you okay?” Luther said, coming forward.

Diego waved him away. “I’m fine. But what do you mean, I’m always looking at him?”

“Diego, it’s not that big a deal,” Luther said. “All I asked was whether there was… something between the two of you.”

“Something?” Diego said.

“I don’t mind if there is,” Luther said earnestly. He looked Diego in the eye. “You know I’m… one to talk. Allison and I—”

“What,” Diego said, enunciating every word, “are you _saying_?”

“Oh, look,” Luther said, a little too loudly. He stopped. “There’s the Handler’s office.”

“Does Five know?” Diego said, crouching down to feel out the baseboard of the wall.

“Know what?” Luther said, muffled as he checked the tiles of the ceiling.

Diego poked at a ball of dust. “That you think I’m looking at him.”

“He doesn’t know that _I_ think that,” Luther said. “I’ve never talked to him about it.”

“Never mind,” Diego said.

“But has he noticed me?” Diego said, flat on his stomach as he examined the carpet.

“I don’t think I’m the only one who’s noticed what I’ve noticed,” Luther said, grabbing the covering of the light fixture on the ceiling.

Diego worked his jaw. “But—”

“Can you hold this for me?” Luther said, detaching the cover with his bare hands and holding it out.

“Does Five look at me back?” Diego said, on his side, searching very carefully for holes in the wall.

“Diego, if you want to know how he feels about you,” Luther said, “you could just—”

“Go check the closet for evidence,” Diego interrupted loudly. He rolled forward, standing up. “I’ll take the desk.”

“There’s jack shit in the desk,” Diego said, sitting down on the corner of it.

“I’m still looking here,” Luther said, taking down a box of papers from the top shelf and beginning to leaf through them.

Diego picked up a snowglobe off the desk. “Finding anything?”

“I’ll tell you if I find anything, Diego.”

Diego turned the snowglobe upside down, watching the glitter disperse. The figure inside was two children kissing. “This Handler chick seems like a hell of a lady, huh?”

“Yeah,” Luther said. “Some of the clothes I’ve found in here seem like they belong in a museum.”

“From what Five says, she sounds like a psychopath,” Diego said. He shook the snowglobe until bubbles formed in the water. “I found a pair of her shoes stashed under the desk. Who wears six-inch heels to the remote office?”

“A stripper?”

Diego looked up, grinning. “Luther. Did you just make a dirty joke?”

The backs of Luther’s ears were red.

“You’re turning my day around, big man,” Diego said. He shook his head, smiling, putting down the snowglobe. “Tell me more about Five’s boss, the stripper.”

“Christ, it was a one-liner, Diego.”

Diego pointed at him. “But I’m going to milk it as long as I can.”

Luther huffed.

Diego pushed the items on the desk to the side, lying down on the surface and looking up at the ceiling. “How long until you’re done?”

“Give me a minute.”

“Go faster,” Diego said. There was a weird stain on the ceiling. “Five’s gonna be pissed when he sees we haven’t found anything.”

“We still might find—”

“He’ll probably find what he’s looking for in the control room,” Diego said, interrupting him. He flexed his wrists, cracking his knuckles. “Little bastard always gets what he wants.”

 _Was_ Five looking at him? Every interaction— Diego ran through the evidence in his head. Five was proud and arrogant with him, but he was proud and arrogant with everyone. He didn’t take shit from Diego, but he didn’t take shit from anyone. 

He’d sat on Diego’s feet, though. And he’d teleported into Diego’s car.

Maybe if Diego hadn’t been so quick to rebuff him. Maybe if Diego had settled back in his seat, grinned at him easy, let his hand brush over the gearshift tantalizingly close— if Diego had allowed himself to let his eyes linger on Five a little more when he’d glanced at him, if he hadn’t fought the urge to meet those doe-dark eyes…

“Okay,” Luther said. Diego turned his head quickly. “Ready?”

Diego scrambled up, sitting up and sliding on the desk. “Yeah. Find anything?”

“A sheet with some coordinates,” Luther said. “A folder of employee information.”

“Yeah, this is why I stick to investigating cases with real drama,” Diego said. He walked over, heading towards the door.

“And then there’s this,” Luther said, picking up a VHS tape from the box.

Diego swiped it from him.

“Diego—”

“I’m analyzing it,” Diego said. He flipped it over. On the label was written in neat cursive, _Number 5 - Test 1._

A cold shiver went down his spine.

“What does it say?” Luther said.

“Unmarked,” Diego lied, sliding it into his knife harness. “I’ll take it. Watch it at home.”

There are a few seconds of grainy static at the beginning of the tape, and then the picture comes into focus.

A hotel room. Dingy tan vinyl walls. Two cheap lamps flanking either side of a bed, centered. The bed is immaculate, cast in lukewarm light. The carpet is dark, late 1970s style, a pattern of shapes lurking at the bottom of the frame.

“Number Five, new body,” a woman says from behind the camera. “Test run number one. Begin.”

Five walks into the frame and sits on the bed.

He’s wearing boxer briefs. Aside from that, he’s exposed. His body is slim and pale, almost glowing in the low light, and he looks down at himself like he’s foreign. He looks the age of a Hollywood actor playing a teenager in a movie.

He looks up. “Should I say something?”

The woman behind the camera laughs. “Why are you so shy, Number Five?”

“I’m not shy,” Five says, looking up. He examines his hands, flexing them. “Did you make me double-jointed?”

“I threw that in as a treat.”

“Well,” Five says. He pops his thumb. “Thanks. Do I have any new powers?” His lips quirk in a little smile.

The woman laughs. “Aren’t you happy with the ones you have?”

“Quite,” Five says.

“Especially since we trained you. Wouldn’t want to get caught in a sticky little stuck-in-the-future situation again.”

Five’s throat works.

“Is this what you used to look like?”

“Approximately,” Five said.

“What’s different?”

Five looks up, deadpan. “There wasn’t anyone to give me a good haircut in the Apocalypse.”

The camera shakes a little as the woman laughs. “You are a hoot, Five.”

Five’s smile is a little distant. “You’re the only one who calls me that, you know.”

“How does it feel to be yourself again?”

“I’ve always been myself,” Five says.

“You know what I mean, Five.”

“I’m not sure I do.”

“You know,” the woman says. She gestures, and for a moment her manicured nails flash into the frame. “When I met you… you were past your prime.”

“I never had much of a prime in the first place,” Five says, leaning back.

“But you know what I mean.”

“I don’t follow, actually. You’re going to have to be clearer.”

“Oh, Five,” the woman says. “You always keep me on my toes.”

Five flexes his bare foot. His ankle clicks. The woman laughs. Five looks up, and then they speak at the same time.

“I—”

“You—”

They laugh.

“Go ahead, Five.”

“Oh,” Five says. He looks around. “I was going to say, I don’t have much to say.” He quirks his lips. “I don’t exactly know what you want from me. You’ve been very reticent through this whole process.”

“I want to know how the new body feels.”

“It feels like living in a body,” Five says.

The woman clicks her tongue, admonishing.

“What do you want me to say?” Five says. “I have arms and legs. I have a torso. My vision’s a little better, I’m a little slimmer than I was when I looked fifty.”

“How do you feel about the way you look?”

Five works his jaw. “I don’t really think about that.”

“You don’t?”

“No,” Five says. He looks down again. “My body’s always been purely utilitarian.”

“That’s a shame,” the woman says. “You know, Number Five, you’re very attractive.”

There’s a pause.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Five said. His voice is casual— deliberately so. He leans back against the headboard, regarding the camera. “You’re the one who designed this body, no wonder you like it.”

“I’m partial to it, I’ll admit.”

“Now I’m not sure if you’re complimenting me or yourself,” Five says.

“You,” the woman says. “It’s one thing to design a body, and quite another to… put it to good use.”

“Oh,” Five says. He sits up. “That’s— what this is for, isn’t it? To record how I— use it?”

“That’s right.”

Five cocks his head. “So what should I—”

“Can you get naked?” the woman says.

Five draws back.

“It’s for documentation purposes,” the woman says smoothly.

“And the briefs aren’t enough?” Five says.

“I don’t see what the issue is,” the woman says. “Is there a problem?”

Five swallows. Then he tugs his underwear off, tossing them off the bed. “There.”

“Very good,” the woman says.

“Are my genitals genuinely that important to you?” Five says, wrinkling his nose.

The woman laughs. “Oh, Five. Always taking me literally.”

“I’m not being facetious,” Five says. “I just—” He looks at the camera warily. “What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing too arduous,” the woman says. There’s a smile in her voice. “Nothing too… taxing.”

“All right,” Five says.

“Good boy,” the woman says. The camera zooms in, panning over his whole naked body, slow and thorough. “Shall we get started?”

“Are you a virgin, Number Five?”

Five looks up. He has the sheets artfully arranged over his lap now. “What do you think my answer to that is going to be? I was trapped in the apocalypse since I was thirteen.”

“There are many ways of defining virginity,” the woman says. “Traditionally, the term has been used to describe whether a woman has been vaginally penetrated by a man’s penis, and whether her hymen has been torn or stretched during intercourse. However, such a definition often falls short of the physical and emotional realities of sexuality, and a person’s conception of her or his own virginity rarely fits to the dichotomy presented by the archaic notion of the hymen.”

“I appreciate the human sexuality lesson,” Five says dryly.

“The concept of virginity also carries with it the idea of purity.”

“I know that. I said I was stranded at thirteen, not that my mental growth was stunted since then.”

“Do you consider yourself pure?”

Five hesitates.

“You were fifty years old when I discovered you, is that right?”

Five inclines his head.

“Usually by that age, people have—”

“Nothing about my life has been usual,” Five says.

“Ah, yes,” the woman says. “The last man on Earth.”

“Indeed,” Five says. “If you’re probing for salacious stories of my experience in the wasteland, I’m afraid you’re going to come up short.”

“But you’ve spent the past two years with me, Five. You’ve gone on missions throughout all of time.”

“I’ll grant you that,” Five says. “But I’ll also put forward that perhaps being tasked with assassinations puts a damper on a person’s sex drive.”

The woman laughs. “I really can’t believe you’re a virgin.”

“We live,” Five says, “in an unbelievable world.”

“What I was trying to say earlier— vaginal penetration isn’t the be-all and end-all of virginity, Five. Any sexual encounter would suffice. The first time a person experiences anal stimulation, say, might count.”  
“I understood your meaning clearly.”

“Oral stimulation.”

“I’ve never done that.”

“Manual stimulation.”

“Nor that.”

“Masturbating in front of a mannequin.”

Five flinches.

“Ah, Five,” the woman says. There’s a smile in her voice. “Not so asexual after all, are you?”

“So you’ve masturbated?”

Five smiles a little. “Frequently.”

“Oh? Do tell me more.”

“I assume you can piece it together.”

“Yes,” the woman says. “You and the mannequin…?”

Five hesitates.

“What’s wrong?”

“Can you call her Delores?” Five says.

There’s a pause, and then the woman clears her throat. “My apologies.”

Five shifts. “It’s a sensitive subject.”

“I understand completely, Five. Take your time.”

“No, I’m not—” Five breaks off. “You don’t have to treat me like I’m fragile.”

“You said it was—”

“I said it was a sensitive subject, I didn’t say you should talk down to me.”

“Cool down, Number Five. You’re not being attacked.”

Five looks up, hackles clearly raised, and then he relaxes a little. 

“Good boy,” the woman purrs.

Five shivers. “It’s goddamn cold in here.”

“Let me raise the thermostat,” the woman says smoothly.

“I could just put on some clothes, you know.”

There’s a sound of high heels on a wall-to-wall carpet. Then there’s a click, and then Five relaxes even more.

“Or that,” he says.

“Your comfort is my priority,” the woman says. Five snorts. “Tell me about Delores.”

“What made her special?”

Five looks away.

“Come on, Five.”

There’s a moment where Five doesn’t speak. His eyes go unfocused a little, and he adjusts himself, getting comfortable on the bed. Then he looks up, eyeing straight to the camera warily, and then he looks away.

“The fact of being seen,” he says. “Being alone— I never got a sense of myself. I lived in an enormous space— the whole world, as far as I could see— but there wasn’t anybody else. It was me and the sky, and the ruins, and the… remains.” He swallows. “She was immortal. Just like me.”

“Are you really immortal?”

Five looks at her. “I was alive when no one else was.”

The woman makes a surprised noise. “You’re quite a character, Five.”

“I know,” Five says. He looks down at his hands again. “Delores couldn’t die. So we grew attached to each other. Or… I grew attached to her.”

“I see,” the woman says.

“And we became intimate,” Five says. “She saw everything I did. I had someone to hold me accountable. There was someone to keep me from hibernating, or going mute, or throwing my feces into the void.”

“Oh,” the woman says.

Five shrugs. “You asked.”

“It sounds like you two had an unusual relationship,” the woman says. Her voice is slightly, nearly imperceptibly unsure.

“Quite, she was an inanimate object,” Five says. He leans back, and then he looks up. “But yes, that’s what she was to me. She saw me.”

“Well, Number Five,” the woman says. “We see you.”

Five looks directly into the camera.

“You’re our shining star,” the Handler says. “Our prodigy.”

Five bites his lip. He’s looking at the camera a little askance now. “I’ve been doing my best.”

“Number Five, I’m going to ask you to do something now.”

“You’ve asked me to do a lot of things tonight,” Five says.

“Oh, I haven’t asked that much from you tonight,” the woman says. “Only a few things.”

Five says nothing.

“Five, would you masturbate in front of me?”

There’s a silence. The only thing that can be heard is the air conditioner in the hotel room. Five’s eyes are dark, and his attention is fixed: not on the camera, but on the person behind it.

“For the sake of the test?” he says.

“For the sake of the test, yes,” the woman says. Her voice is amused, indulgent, but there’s an edge to it. “For posterity.”

“I’m not sure I—”

“For proper scientific procedure.”

Five looks skeptical.

“Come on, Five,” the Handler says. “As a personal favor to me?”

“Well,” Five says. His eyes flit upwards. “For you.” He quirks his lips in a smirk. “There’s only one problem.”

The camera zeroes in on his dick. “Understandable. This body is so new, and you’d be far from the only man to struggle with—”

“What?” Five says, covering his cock with his hand. “Christ, I can get it up, is that what you think of me?” Before she can answer, he looks around. “But my problem remains.”

“Don’t tease, Five.”

Five looks up, and he smiles. Full dimple. 

“You’ll have to give me some porn or something,” he says. “There’s nothing particularly inspiring in this motel room.”

“Is there, now,” the woman says. She laughs. There’s a shifting of fabric behind the camera, and then Five’s gaze drops down to a spot in front of him, eyes widening. He inhales, long and controlled, and then he looks up with heated eyes.

“Then I suppose we’re shooting _that_ kind of movie,” he says.

Five’s stroking his hard cock in earnest. His eyes are roving over something in front of him, his gaze hungry.

“Should I take this off?”

“Yeah,” Five says huskily. “Take it off.”

There’s a thump. “And this?”

Five nods, transfixed.

“And these, I presume.”

“I’ve been naked for fifteen minutes,” Five says. “It’s only… fair to expect the same from you.” He leans back on the pillows, stroking himself, looking up and down.

“You know, Five, I quite agree.”

There’s rustling behind the camera, more sounds of fabric. A thump—

“No, wait,” Five says, holding out a hand. “The heels— can stay.”

“Kinky,” the woman says, voice deeply pleased. “And the stockings?”

“I don’t give a damn about the stockings,” Five says. “Those legs of yours are what count.”

“Thank you,” the woman says. There’s a shuffling noise, and Five inhales.

She laughs. “You prefer the view from behind?”

“I prefer both,” Five says. He’s fisting his cock in earnest, visibly aroused, a flush coloring his skin. “I’m fairly, ah— egalitarian in what I prefer.”

“Is that a fancy way of saying you don’t think of yourself as a tits man or an ass man?”

Five pauses. “Yes.”

“Mm, I like a man who’s open-minded,” the woman says. She makes an approving noise. “You look good like this, Five. I won’t lie.”

“I should hope so,” Five says, hand working as if on autopilot.

“What are you thinking about?”

Five raises eyebrows. “You?”

“And…?”

“It’s not enough to just admire a woman these days?” Five says.

“I suppose I expected your fantasies to be a little more… fleshed out.”

“Ah,” Five says. He licks his lips. “Well. Consider it a given that I’m quite occupied with the thought of— touching you.”

“Oh, _yes,_ ” the woman says. “You’ve never touched a woman before, have you?”

“You seem a little too fond of bringing that up,” Five says. His eyes focus on something and he bites his lip, clearly enjoying the sight.

The Handler laughs. “Have you imagined it? Sex?”

“Hard not to when I’m looking at you,” Five says. His voice is a little throaty. “Talk about well-made bodies. Christ.”

“You like it?” the Handler says.

“I don’t answer inane questions,” Five says, eyes fixed. His cock is hard and flushed, and he’s working it with precision.

“Tell me what you think about. Tell me what you’re thinking about doing to me right now.”

“You have very nice breasts,” Five says.

“Well, thank you.”

“Obliged.”

“Tell me a little more than that.”

Five clears his throat. “I’d like to— kiss them.”

“Kiss my breasts?”

“And, ah, all of you.”

“Wait, wait,” the woman says. “Have you ever kissed anyone before?

Five looks away.

“Oh, _Five,_ ” the woman says. There’s a sound behind the camera, and then she walks into the frame, settling herself next to Five on the bed.

She’s naked. Her blonde hair is swept up on her head. There are red marks on her pale flesh where her bra and girdle have been digging into her. Five’s gaze drops to her breasts to her soft stomach to her thighs, taking it all in as her body moves as she breathes, realistic and warm-blooded.

“You make one hell of a picture,” Five says, voice throaty.

“More than a picture,” the Handler says. She scoots forward, taking his jaw into her hand, and then she kisses him, long and slow.

When she breaks away, Five’s breathing hard. He stares at her, awed.

“You’re a very good kisser, Five,” the woman murmurs. “A natural.”

Five licks his lips. “It’s not— I don’t know that it’s a skill.”

“Oh, it’s a skill,” the woman purrs. “But if you’d rather impress me a different way…”

She spreads her legs.

Five shifts back, taking his cock in his hand. “You want me to—”

“Oh, no, no,” the woman says. She laughs. “Not right now, Five. I’d like to test that mouth somewhere else first.”

“Ah,” Five says. His gaze flits down over her whole body.

“I assume you’re game,” the Handler says. She reaches forward, tracing his lips with her finger.

Five meets her eyes.

Five’s head is buried between the woman’s thighs. There are wet noises echoing through the room, and the woman has one hand fisted in the sheets and her other hand tight in Five’s hair, and she’s moving, enthusiastic and indulgent, writhing on the sheets. Clearly close already. Visibly trembling.

“Oh, _yes,_ ” she says. “Oh, yes.”

Five makes a muffled sound. His hands come up, gripping her hips tighter, and the woman moans, arching into his touch as he redoubles his efforts, ardent and enthusiastic.

“Good boy,” the woman croons. “I knew I was right in giving you lips like that. R&D said you didn’t need them, but— ugh, right _there._ ” Her hand twists in his hair. “You’re so obedient like this, Number Five. I should stop your mouth more often.”

Her legs are shaking. Five’s hands clutch her hips, and she rides his face, moaning out loud. Five’s head bobs, and she yanks at him. “Right there. Right _there,_ aah, Five—”

She spasms. Her whole body bucks, shaking like she’s seized with something, and she lets out a cry, ecstatic. Five’s fingers tighten on her hips, and then she relaxes, her body sinking back down onto the mattress.

There’s a long moment. She breathes hard, coming back to earth.

“Ugh,” she finally says, propping herself up on her elbows. “You’re really very good at that, you know.”

Five lifts his head up. His lips and chin are visibly wet and slick. The Handler makes an approving noise, and she leans in, sweeping her thumb over his lower lip. “You’ve made a mess of yourself, haven’t you?”

“I don’t think that’s exactly my fault,” Five says. He sounds hoarse.

“You’re my favorite,” the woman says. She cups his chin. “So precocious. Your first time, and you’re this good? I should give you a promotion.”

Five smiles. “This is what would get me promoted?”

“Well,” the woman says. She strokes his face. “I’d need to review your performance again, of course. Would you be my good boy at the office?”

“In the _office?_ ” Five says.

“Yes,” the woman says.

“That sounds a little impractical.”

“My door locks,” the woman says casually. “And my floor would be quite nice to kneel on. I might call you in whenever I want you— and you really couldn’t say no.” She walks her fingers down his chest. “Because I own you, don’t I? I’ve given you everything. I saved you from your situation, I took you under my wing, and I made you this fine new body.”

Five’s breathing is shallow.

“You really couldn’t deny me,” the woman says. “I mean, you could. But we’d have to have a little chat about your loyalty.”

She digs her fingers into the inside of Five’s forearm. 

Five jerks. He’s trembling, looking up at her with wide eyes.

The woman laughs. “Relax, Five, I’m just kidding.” She pats his cheek, and then she stretches. “You must be awfully desperate to come, hmm?”

Five’s breath punches out of him, a little laugh, and then he shifts his weight, taking his cock into his hand. “You’re always fixed on being so goddamn dangerous. Christ, you don’t do anything by halves.”

“You know me, Five,” the woman says. “I live life on the edge. And I _always_ have an appetite for more.”

She leans in, taking Five’s hand off his cock and placing it between her legs.

Five’s gaze drops, and then he looks up at her. “You want to…?”

“I want you inside me,” the Handler says. She reaches forward and squeezes Five’s cock. Five lets out a wounded noise. The Handler smiles, and she leans up to kiss him, slow and thorough like a snake devouring its prey.

“Harder,” the Handler says. Her hands are tight on Five’s shoulder blades, nails digging in. They’re postponed sideways on the bed, ostentatious, exposing every inch where they’re joined to the camera. “Like you mean it, Five.”

“God, you’re fucking gorgeous,” Five says. He braces a hand on the mattress, working his body. His face is intent and focused. They both move with every thrust. Five leans down and kisses her, planting a hand on the mattress to steady himself as he moves, mouth open against hers, relentless and starving for it. The woman brings a hand up and clutches at his shoulder, nails digging in, and Five groans against her mouth.

“Are you close?”

“Yes,” the woman moans out. She’s flushed; they’ve been exerting themselves. “Ugh, _yes,_ Five— aah—”

“Come for me,” Five says. His hand comes down, feeling down the Handler’s body like he can’t quite believe she’s real. “Jesus. _Jesus._ ”

The woman makes an inhuman sound, low and long. Her whole body arches, meeting every thrust, and she wraps her legs around Five’s waist, practically undulating. “Ugh,” she groans. “Ahh, _ahh,_ Five—!”

Her legs tighten around him. Five moans, and she slaps an arm back behind herself, steadying herself as Five fucks her, hard and fast and increasingly desperate, and then her body goes rigid—

Her orgasm lasts longer than the last one, and from the look on her face it seems like it almost hurts. Five’s eyes are wide, and his thrusts stutter— he’s visibly awed, eminently two seconds from coming himself, as the woman sinks back onto the bed, letting out a satisfied sound.

Five groans. “You’re so—”

“Keep fucking me,” the woman says. She props herself up on her elbows. “You can have anything you want, Five. Take it from me. Let me see you.”

Five groans. He’s shaking, overwhelmed, his whole body strung tight. The woman reaches up for him, intent, and then his back arches with a cry as he comes, shuddering hard.

The silence is airless. The woman settles back, watching as Five’s chest heaves.

Five pulls out. 

The seal is broken. The woman moves, sitting up. “You can tie off the condom and put it— put it in the trash right there.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Five leans over, disposing of it. Then he moves back to the bed. He looks at her. “Are we…?”

“We’ll shower,” the woman says, looking at him. “Or… mm, I’m craving room service.”

“Really?” Five says, laughing.

“I’m starved,” the woman says. She pats her stomach. “You wore me out, Five.”

Five smiles. His eyes rove over her, clearly taken with her.

“You can shower first if you want,” the woman says.

“Oh,” Five says. “Right.”

“You can go right ahead.”

Five looks at her for a moment, like he’s giving her an opportunity to say something else. The woman blinks up at him. Then Five shakes his head a little and gets up off the bed, making his way out of the frame.

The woman shamelessly ogles his ass.

She stretches like a cat, unabashed in her nakedness. Then she stands up, cracking her back, and she walks towards the camera, coming around close and then walking out of view.

The bed is empty. The sheets are a mess. One of the pillows has disappeared into the shadows on the floor.

“Test run, number one,” the woman’s voice says from behind the camera. “Complete.”

“Where were you?” Luther said, looking up as Diego appeared in the dining room.

Diego ignored him. 

He felt woozy. He felt _sick._ He was suspended out of his body, only dimly registering that he was in the dining room and it was dinnertime. Nothing was real. And yet, there was a kernel of something hot and undeniable— jealousy, maybe, or a glimmer of guilty pleasure, because the image of Five naked and sly— reclining, basking, flirting— pushing the woman down to the mattress, fucking her ardently…

He became aware in a distant way that everybody was watching him, and he pulled out his chair, sitting down and grabbing the serving platter and helping himself to more than his share of potatoes. “Sorry I’m late.”

“Whoa, dude,” Klaus said, eyes widening across the table. “Where’ve you been?”

Diego looked up belatedly. He cleared his throat. “I was… taking a nap.”

“You look like you just came back from one of those crazy psychedelic trips,” Klaus said. “Like you went upstairs to your childhood bedroom, did ayahuasca briefly, and came back down here for family dinner.”

“Sometimes a nap just hits different,” Diego said.

“That’s true,” Allison said. “Either you wake up refreshed or you feel like you’re jet-lagged from an hour on the couch.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. He pointed at her. “Exactly.”

“Sorry about your nap from hell, Diego,” Klaus said. “My bad.”

“None taken,” Diego replied. 

His whole mind felt sideways. He felt ill. He pushed his food around on his plate, watching his fork, feeling like his body was on a different astral plane than his mind. The bed from the hotel room. The pillow on the floor.

“Like I was saying,” Allison said. “Klaus found this creepy ghost in the atrium. Apparently, she was… trying to hit on me?”

“You’re stealing my anecdote,” Klaus said. “Yeah, she was crazy into Allison— which was kind of a stroke of luck, honestly, it meant she wanted to hang out with us.”

“It meant she wanted to know my bra size,” Allison said, making a face.

“Sometimes we make little sacrifices for our deceased friends,” Klaus said.

“I wouldn’t call her a friend.”

Five materialized at the table, taking the bowl from Diego and sitting down next to him.

Diego’s stomach plunged.

It was a real problem. He could not see Five’s body in clothes without picturing him divested of them. The images swarmed into his mind, a tactical assault of pale limbs and a flushed dick and a teasing smile and an indolent posture and Diego was going to be fine, because he had to be. 

He just wouldn’t look Five in the eye ever again.

“But we managed to get some information, woo!” Klaus said, wiggling his fingers. “The Umbrella Academy strikes again!”

“The hell?” Diego said, looking around. “You all got on me when I showed up late, and this motherfucker literally shows up out of nowhere and none of you even react?”

“We’re used to it from him,” Klaus said, helping himself to more chicken.

“Why did you show up late?” Five said, turning to Diego.

Five’s face between her thighs. 

“Why does everyone care so much?” Diego said, looking away and taking a long drink of water.

“The cagier you are,” Allison remarked, “the more we’ll assume you’re being suspicious.”

Five’s lips, slick. His heavy breathing.

“You all need to mind your own business,” Diego said. He glanced at Five. “I was taking a nap.”

“Apparently a real doozy of one,” Klaus said.

“This isn’t a topic,” Diego said. “We don’t need to discuss it.”

Five’s back flexing as he fucked her.

“So did you watch the tape we found?” Luther said,

Diego choked on his potatoes.

“Wait, what tape?” Klaus said, looking between them.

“When Diego and I went out on our mission, we found a tape,” Luther said. “At the Commission.”

“Did you?” Five said.

“Yeah,” Diego said, coughing. “But it’s—”

“Did you watch it?” Luther said.

Five cocked his head, expectant.

“I watched it,” Diego said, looking up into Five’s eyes.

Five’s gaze was the sun refracted through a magnifying glass, and Diego was a fucking ant. He felt like a pervert. His whole body was lit up with guilt, set on fire, curling in at the edges in shame.

“What did you find?” Five said.

Diego had to tear his gaze away. “Nothing,” he said. “It was empty.”

“The tape was empty, so you took a nap?” Five said.

“Yeah,” Diego said.

The corner of Five’s lips lifted in a smirk. A wave of dread washed over Diego. If Five knew— if he found out—

Five’s hand gripping the mattress, steadying himself. The woman arching her back in ecstasy. Five sinking his cock deep into her, taking effortless control, only stuttering when he got truly overwhelmed, a virgin and a natural and a beauty, even in the dingiest hotel room, his face twisted in concentration and lust. Diego felt hot all over, overcome.

“I have to go,” he said, getting up and dropping his napkin on his chair.

The morning would serve as a reset button, Diego figured. He’d been overreacting earlier. Just because he’d seen Five’s sex tape didn’t mean he couldn’t be normal around him.

“Good morning,” Five said, warping into the kitchen where Diego was eating breakfast and reaching up to the top shelf for the coffee.

Diego’s body flushed with heat. Five’s lean body, the way his muscles shifted. The slender curve of his back, like it had arched in the hotel room—

“Would you like some more food, Diego?” Grace said.

Diego stood up. “Actually— I gotta get going.”

“Oh,” Grace said. “Are you leaving so soon?”

“Sorry, Mom,” Diego said, hooking a thumb in his belt. “I’ve got, uh, a busy day.”

“I see,” Grace said. Her eyelashes fluttered a little. “It’s a pity you can’t stay longer, darling.”

“Pity,” Five echoed, leaning against the wall.

Klaus had queued a movie up in the atrium on Reginald’s rickety old TV on the rolling stand, and Diego was settling in on the sofa with one hand in Klaus’s popcorn when Five warped in.

“Mind if I join?” Five said, looking down at them.

“Sure, sure,” Klaus said. He gestured expansively. “Diego, your favorite twink is here to fight with you over couch space.”

“Sorry,” Diego said, clapping Klaus’s shoulder and standing up. “I’m— I’ve got a thing, I forgot.”

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Five said, warping in front of Diego as Diego headed up the steps of the Academy.

“I’m leaving,” Diego said, pulse jackrabbiting, and he turned around, brushing past Five on the way back to his car.

“Oh, Christ, just tell me what you thought of my sex tape,” Five said, materializing in the boiler room.

Diego jumped.

It had been a long week. Five had the ability to be everywhere at once. He seemed to fill in the cracks in Diego’s life, materializing into the space between breaths, effortlessly following Diego like a second, preppier, smaller shadow.

“You could be a really creepy villain if you wanted,” Diego said, looking up at him.

“What?” Five said.

“I mean get out of my boiler room,” Diego said. He gestured vaguely. “I’m— busy.”

“I know you watched it,” Five said. He looked up at Diego, exasperated and heavy. “Whatever you’re thinking… just say it.”

Maybe it would have been easier if Diego had been repulsed. If he were ashamed of Five, if he wanted to lecture him. Finger-wagging. He could have gotten outraged about the way the Handler had treated him— like a toy, like a pet, her good boy.

But how the hell was he supposed to cover up that he had _liked_ it?

“You can just say you hated it,” Five said. His voice was a little too loud.

Diego’s hand flexed by his side. “I…”

“Which one did you see?” Five said.

“What?” Diego said.

“There were multiple,” Five said. “Which was it?”

“The first one,” Diego said. “At least, I think. It started with her interviewing you about whether you were a virgin.”

A strange look flitted over Five’s face, and then it quickly smoothed.

“Ah,” he said. “Well, suffice it to say there are more.”

“You got yourself a little career or something?” Diego said.

“We made a ritual of it,” Five said. He shrugged. “Sometimes with the camera on, sometimes off. We both had photographic memories.”

“Jesus,” Diego said.

“She did everything with me,” Five said. He smiled crookedly. “For all that you and Klaus argue over the title of family slut, I believe the title’s actually mine.”

“She coerced you, though,” Diego said.

Five rolled his eyes. “And I tried to murder her several times. I wouldn’t expect you to understand our type of relationship.”

“That’s fucked up,” Diego said, pointing at him.

“You think I don’t know?” Five said. There was a feral edge to his expression. “I never claimed to have done anything the normal way, Diego. Look at me. My life hasn’t even been lived in one straight timeline. Do you really think I’d have _gone steady_ with a woman?”

“Whoa, hey,” Diego said, holding out his hands.

“I made up for it,” Five said, moving closer and raising his voice. Diego stepped back. “Say what you want about me being inexperienced, but I’ve done everything, Diego. You’re lucky you got the tame tape. I fucked her in every position, in every place, in every time period. I let her fuck me. I wore her lingerie, I made her come six times in one night, I tied her up in a motel in Bangkok and left her there while I went and got dinner for myself, I let her slap me across the face until I spit my blood back on her patent heels—”

“You don’t need to prove yourself to me,” Diego said.

Five drew back.

“Five,” Diego said. “Whatever you did with the Handler… that’s your business, man. It’s not my job to pry.” He bit his lip. “I’m sorry I did.”

“By watching the tape?” Five said.

“Yeah,” Diego said.

Five’s shoulders were sagging. “You could have just told me you were repulsed.”

And here was the hard part.

“Yeah,” Diego said again.

Five looked up at him.

Diego hooked his thumb in his knife harness. “Truce?”

“What did you really think of it?” Five said, narrowing his eyes.

“Uh,” Diego said. “It was your sex tape.”

“I’m aware,” Five said. “How much did you watch?”

“I,” Diego said. “…”

Five’s lips curved upwards. “When did you realize what it was, Diego?”

“I figured out what was going to happen the second she made you start touching yourself,” Diego said, quieter.

“I see,” Five murmured. “And tell me— when you realized, did you stop watching?”

The room was silent.

“No,” Diego said, barely audible.

“Did you watch to the end?” Five said.

Diego nodded.

“And did you enjoy it?”

Five’s eyes were dark.

“What do you think?” Diego said, looking up.

“I want to hear you say it,” Five said.

Five’s gaze was challenging, sharp. It was more than apparent how he’d enticed the Handler. Diego’s mind wasn’t just populated by images of his naked body, or the motion of him thrusting his cock into her, he was enamored with everything: his posture, his dimple, his smile that was so genuine and so knowing at the same time.

“I liked it,” Diego said. His voice came out low. “Jesus, Five. The way you looked at her— the way you looked into the camera—”

Five was drawing nearer. Diego’s heart began to thump.

“You could sell that shit for a million dollars,” he said.

“Mm, I don’t think so,” Five said. “That was for discerning eyes only.”

“Discerning?” Diego said.

“Tell me what you liked about it,” Five said.

Diego drew in a breath. “You,” he said. “Everything. All of it. Except her, I didn’t give a damn— she just lay there, anyway. You treated her _well._ Fucking— I can’t even look at you without thinking about you between her legs, you know that? Or thinking about the way you fucked her, down to the way your hands fisted in the sheets—”

“How many times did you watch it?” Five interrupted.

“Once,” Diego said. “I had to keep myself from putting it back in and watching it again.”

“I see,” Five said.

“Don’t be mad,” Diego said. “I swear—”

“If you liked it that much,” Five said, running his hand up Diego’s chest, “then I suppose I could let you watch it again.”

“For real?” Diego said. 

“Don’t you think I’m generous, Diego?” Five said cordially. He stroked his thumb over Diego’s sternum through his turtleneck.

Diego swallowed. “You’d let me just… take it out when I wanted?”

“No,” Five said. His fingers dug into Diego’s chest. “I’d give you the real thing.”

“What was your favorite part?” Five said.

He was straddling Diego’s lap on the bed, working at Diego’s hard cock with expert fingers. Diego was making desperate sounds, arching into him without thinking, involuntary and needy.

Five gripped him harder.

“Nnh,” Diego said. “I liked— when you were eating her out.”

“Yeah?” Five said. His voice got rougher when he was hard, apparently, which hit Diego’s bloodstream like a drug. “You’d want to see me go down on someone, Diego? I’m good at it.”

“Uh uh,” Diego said. “Only want—” He moaned a little, bucking into Five’s hand. “Don’t want you putting your mouth on other people.”

“Oh, I see,” Five said. “You want my mouth on you?” He bit his lip, adding a twist to his wrist.

Diego groaned. “Yeah, fuck. Can you…?”

“You want me to suck you off, Diego?” Five said, smiling. “With the same mouth I used on the Handler?”

“ _Yes,_ ” Diego said. “Five, I— fff, do it, please, I need it.”

“You need it?” Five said, tilting his head.

“How much do I have to beg?” Diego said. His voice was coming out unrecognizably breathy, and he writhed, overwhelmed. “Yeah, I fucking need it, Five. Need your— porn star lips, your tongue, wanna feel you—”

Five dragged Diego in by the front of his shirt and kissed him hard.

“What was your second favorite part?” Five murmured.

Diego was a mess. He was still half dressed, disheveled beyond fixing— his cock was soaked with Five’s spit, dampening the fly of his pants where it had been hastily pulled out. He was shirtless, though. Five had said he was prettier that way.

 _Five_ was the pretty one. The sight of him looking up at Diego from down low, Diego’s cock heavy in his mouth, could have made Diego come all by itself.

He mustered his brain with great difficulty, and then looked down at Five, dazed. “My second favorite part? Uh— when you— when you fucked her.”

“I thought you might say that,” Five said, and his hands came up to Diego’s hips, easing his pants down.

All the breath shuddered out of Diego at once. He became hyperaware of himself, infinitely lit up— every nerve, every part of his body, every place he hadn’t been touched in ages.

“I don’t usually do that,” he said hoarsely.

“We don’t have to,” Five said. His hand dropped, feeling out the bulge of Diego’s cock through his pants. Diego groaned. “Christ, I’d kill to have this in me. But I thought you might have… taken some inspiration from what you were given.”

Diego’s lips parted. He stared up at Five, remembering the way the Handler had clutched the sheets; the way she had hooked her leg around Five. How fucking strong Five had looked.

“Yeah,” he croaked. “I want it.”

“ _Jesus,_ ” Diego said.

Diego’s bed was smaller than the queen in the dingy hotel room. It squeaked audibly with every thrust. The lighting was different, the setting was different, the exposed brick, the cardboard cutouts leaning against the walls—

But Five was fucking godly with his perfect dick.

Diego could feel his hair getting mussed, dragging against the mattress. He registered the noises he was making like they were separate from him.The sheets were rough, but Five was even rougher, grabbing Diego’s hips and fucking into him, taking his pleasure from him. When was the last time Diego had gotten well and truly railed?

He suspected he wouldn’t ever go this long without it again.

“Fuck,” he groaned. He arched his back. “Fuuuck, Five—”

“Been a while since you had this, yeah?” Five said. His voice was low and his face was intent, and he planted a hand on Diego’s chest, claiming. Diego writhed. Five tweaked the nipple ring, and Diego moaned aloud.

“You’re expressive,” Five murmured. “I like that.”

“So was she,” Diego gasped.

“Well,” Five said. “She was certainly loud.” He leaned in, kissing Diego sweetly. “But she was never as pretty as you, Diego.”

Diego whimpered.

“Have you not heard that enough?” Five said, thumbing the nipple ring gently. “Oh, Diego. You’re _gorgeous_ for me.”

“She was too,” Diego said, staring up at him. “She was hot, I saw the video.”

Five shook his head, pressing down hard on Diego’s chest. “Diego. Are you listening to me?”

Diego nodded once. His cock twitched.

“You’re perfect,” Five said. He sped up his thrusts, quickening, rocking sharply into Diego as he ran his hand down Diego’s chest to his abs. “She was my first. She took as much as she could from me— but she didn’t take everything. You’re so much fucking better than she ever was.” He took Diego’s chin in his hand. “Do you hear me?”

“Uh huh,” Diego said.

Five’s grip tightened. “Do you?”

“Yeah,” Diego gasped. He arched up into Five’s touch.

“I want to hear you say it,” Five said. His eyes gleamed.

“Say what?” Diego said, dazed.

“Tell me how much better you are than the Handler,” Five said.

Diego swallowed. “I’m better,” he said. “You— nnh, like fucking me more than you liked— fucking her.”

“Good,” Five said. He petted Diego’s chest. “I don’t want you thinking of her.”

“I’m not,” Diego said, canting his hips up. He was so fucking needy— couldn’t Five tell?

“Tell me you’re perfect,” Five said.

Diego made a broken noise. 

Five rolled his hips, thrusting into him slow and unrelenting. “Diego.”

“I’m…” Diego bit back a moan. He could feel how he was trembling. His cock was so hard it was aching, heavy where it leaked precome on his stomach. Five’s dick inside him was filling him up like it was made for him, Five’s fingers came down to wrap around his dick, stroking him, velvet-soft— and he was so close, _so close._

Diego looked up at Five.

“I’m perfect,” he said, and his body arched and seized as he came.

“You really are, you know,” Five murmured.

They were lying in bed. Five was tucked up against Diego, cheek against Diego’s warm chest like he was trying to listen to his heartbeat. Diego was playing with his hair, fingers languid and idle.

“I’m what?” he said.

Five turned his face, pressing a kiss to Diego’s pectoral. “Perfect.”

Diego bit his lip. He was glad Five couldn’t see his stupid smile. “Uh huh?”

Five looked up. “You don’t believe it?”

“I believe I’m good in bed,” Diego said.

“Oh, Diego,” Five said.

Diego tugged his hair lightly. “I hope you don’t mean perfect in general, though.”

“Mm,” Five said.

“For real,” Diego said. “You know I’m a dick.”

“As if I’m better,” Five said, half-muffled against Diego’s skin.

“None of us are exactly great to each other,” Diego said. “I feel like I gotta warn you I’m not…”

“Well, if you’ve never tried to detonate civilization, you’ve surpassed my charmer of an ex,” Five said.

Diego yanked his hair. “Thought we weren’t talking about her.”

“Just because we’re not talking about her doesn’t mean you’re not thinking about her,” Five said.

Diego was silent.

“The only good thing she ever gave me was a truly staggering range of sexual experiences,” Five said. He propped himself up on his arms, looking at Diego. “It was always one-upmanship with her. We spent quite a bit of time together, and we had a… fairly profound connection, but I wouldn’t say I _liked_ her.”

“That mean you like me?” Diego said.

Five scooted up, hauling himself on top of Diego— Diego gave an oof— and kissed him soundly, hands cupping Diego’s face.

Diego smiled against his lips. “Is that a yes?”

“I haven’t decided,” Five said. Diego pinched him. “ _Ouch_ — yeah, I fucking like you.”

“Even if I’m kind of a mess?” Diego said.

“Even so,” Five said.

“Even if I’m not your crazy ex?”

“Definitely.”

“Even if I won’t record you fucking me on camera?”

Five raised an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t? For someone who considered himself to be the family—”

Diego rolled them over, tackling Five to the bed and kissing him relentlessly, pressing his lips against Five’s face until Five was laughing and batting at him.

“You really are, you know,” he said.

Five peeked up at him with big eyes. “I’m what?”

“The family slut,” Diego said, grinning, and he leaned in to kiss him again.

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT, 4/22/20: [This fic has art now!!!!](https://purliish.tumblr.com/post/616130147432759296/this-is-a-short-comic-for-brilliant-electra-xt) You should look at it! It's amaaazing.
> 
> [electra-xt](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, taking prompts, come talk to me about TUA!


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